My Ramadan Journey: Day 29

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Wednesday 7th August 2013

As I waited for news about wether it was Eid tomorrow or whether we had another blessed day of fasting… another day to hold onto the spiritual high and peace, that is only felt during Ramadan; I contemplate the days gone by like a cool breeze on a hot summers day…

Spirituality has come to me in very small fleeting moments during this Ramadan.

Moments spent enjoying a long, satisfying chat with my daughter, wether it was reminiscing her preschool favourite Islamic stories or watching Dr Zakir Naik on TV.

Sending the kids to bed and having my iftar.

Listening to the beautiful melodious recitation of my daughter through closed doors.

Praying in the hallway so I can attend to toddler when he wakes up.

Reading the Quran/duaa book in the dark with a book lamp.

Spending some time taking in the peace of a quiet house before falling asleep exhausted on the sofa.

Crying into the dead of night, while trying to put toddler back to sleep and wondering if ever I will get to feel the same spirituality I once did in my youth.

I’m trying. I really am. I so want to feel the spirit of Ramadan.

I want to feel like I’m part of my religion again and not only present by accident or just along for the ride.

I want to connect spiritually and worship in ways that really speak to ME. Like playing silly games with the kids, but still take time to worship alone without distractions. Without having to run away from the prayer mat when my toddler is about to fling himself down a flight of stairs or break something.

without having to be the one who delays prayers to finish cooking first, without being the one to miss prayers because the children need me NOW, without being the one who feels spiritually inadequate most of the time.

I want to feel some kind of spiritual revolution taking place in my heart and soul.

Five years of personal struggle has taken its toll. The constant negotiations between self, work and family responsibilities, and sacrificing my spirituality for the benefit of others has really and truly left me exhausted beyond comprehension.

There has been a time during which I moved further and further away from God because I just stopped caring to fight. A time that unfortunately coincided with me having my two younger children.

I am Constantly Feeling conflicting guilt because I see beauty in a mother finding spiritual fulfillment in the raising and caring of her children. Yet, you know, sometimes, I also want more.

Sometimes I just want to envelope myself in rituals that comfort me and remind me of why I follow Islam and why I am a Muslim.

Other times all I want to do is sit and listen to the most beautiful and sweetest melody of the Quran being recited. I mean REALLY listen and let the words find their way into my heart and stir my soul.

Many a time while watching the taraweeh prayers on TV, my heart has physically ached to be in the mosque amongst all those hundreds and thousands of people and really feel the community atmosphere and not feel isolated.

Tonight, as I talk to God alone, among a sea of Millions around the world who will have their hands raised also in supplication;

I Ask God.

I ask for peace around the world.
I ask for someone to heal their heart, find love, have mercy, respite from sickness. For everyone to gain success and forgiveness.

For my parents. Oh please let me have more time with my parents.

My children. Protect them and Keep them safe from everything that could hurt them. Dear Lord, Help them grow to be amazing Muslim men and woman. Help them experience a world where they are empowered personally, socially and spiritually.

I ask God, For help in purifying and renewing my intentions for motherhood, marriage and my writing.

Raise me, Dear God, from the deadness of my own sins to love these beautiful children like a servant of Yours deserves.Help me to carry them while You carry me.

I pray that you will always bless their minds to be clear of all shadows of doubt. Bless their hearts to be kind. Bless their dreams that they may be fulfilled by your grace.

I pray that every good thing I have done for them stays present in their minds and fills their hearts. That my words and deeds serve as good examples to them and for them.

Thank you Dear God, for providing every need, fulfilling every dream and purifying every desire that my children may have.

Thank you, God, for your promise that a mother’s prayer for her children will never go unheard or unanswered.

For this I am so grateful.

Ameen.

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